Thursday, September 28, 2006

Engineering humor

Being an engineer, I appreciate these (and kind of relate to them too...sadly)

A bunch of engineers are sitting around at a party, discussing the nature of God.

The mechanical engineer states that God must also be a mechanical engineer because "if you look at all the pulleys and levers that drive the body, how the tendons and muscles and bones all work together, well, it's just amazing."

The chemical engineer says that no, God has to be a chemical engineer because "if you look at all the chemical processes that drive the body, how the hormones and the brain and the glands and everything else all interact, well, it's just astounding."

The electrical engineer says that no, God has to be an electrical engineer because "if you look at the circuitry of the body, how the thousands upon millions of nerve cells transmit signals from one part to another, well, it boggles the mind."

The civil engineer speaks up last of all and says, no, God is definitely a civil engineer, because "only a civil engineer would run a sewer through a playground."

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind golfers. We always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. "The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough." The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Sun Microsystems, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient." The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At IBM we don't pee on our hands."

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone." The man below said, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

And this one was too good not to include:

There were three nuns sitting around talking to eachother one day when the first nun said "you'll never believe what I found in the Father's room the other day" the other two nuns asked what she had found, and she replied "I found a bunch of pornographic magazines". The two nun's gasped, and the second nun asked what she did with the magazines. The first nun answered "Well I threw them out of course." The third nun then said "Well I can beat that...the other day when I was cleaning out the Father's room, I found a pack of condoms"...the other two nuns gasped and asked her what she did with them. The third nun replied "I poked holes in all of them.", and the second nun promptly fainted.

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