Engineering humor

Being an engineer, I appreciate these (and kind of relate to them too...sadly)

A bunch of engineers are sitting around at a party, discussing the nature of God.

The mechanical engineer states that God must also be a mechanical engineer because "if you look at all the pulleys and levers that drive the body, how the tendons and muscles and bones all work together, well, it's just amazing."

The chemical engineer says that no, God has to be a chemical engineer because "if you look at all the chemical processes that drive the body, how the hormones and the brain and the glands and everything else all interact, well, it's just astounding."

The electrical engineer says that no, God has to be an electrical engineer because "if you look at the circuitry of the body, how the thousands upon millions of nerve cells transmit signals from one part to another, well, it boggles the mind."

The civil engineer speaks up last of all and says, no, God is definitely a civil engineer, because "only a civil engineer would run a sewer through a playground."

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind golfers. We always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. "The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough." The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Sun Microsystems, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient." The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At IBM we don't pee on our hands."

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone." The man below said, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

And this one was too good not to include:

There were three nuns sitting around talking to eachother one day when the first nun said "you'll never believe what I found in the Father's room the other day" the other two nuns asked what she had found, and she replied "I found a bunch of pornographic magazines". The two nun's gasped, and the second nun asked what she did with the magazines. The first nun answered "Well I threw them out of course." The third nun then said "Well I can beat that...the other day when I was cleaning out the Father's room, I found a pack of condoms"...the other two nuns gasped and asked her what she did with them. The third nun replied "I poked holes in all of them.", and the second nun promptly fainted.

Canadians get it

I don't know how I never posted this one

Unbelievably prescient. Note the date:

Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'

January 17, 2001 | Issue 37•01

WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."

President-elect Bush vows that "together, we can put the triumphs of the recent past behind us."

"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."

Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"

On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.

Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an 18-month low. The NASDAQ composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks in 2001, also fell sharply, losing 4.4 percent of its total value between 3 p.m. and the closing bell.

Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said: "That's hardly my area of expertise."

Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens that he will follow through on his campaign promise to open the 1.5 million acre refuge's coastal plain to oil drilling. As a sign of his commitment to bringing about a change in the environment, he pointed to his choice of Gale Norton for Secretary of the Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has "extensive experience" fighting environmental causes, working as a lobbyist for lead-paint manufacturers and as an attorney for loggers and miners, in addition to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards.

Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft, whom he praised as "a tireless champion in the battle to protect a woman's right to give birth."

"Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages and into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her entrance to an abortion clinic," Bush said. "We as a nation can look forward to lots and lots of babies."

Soldiers at Ft. Bragg march lockstep in preparation for America's return to aggression.

Continued Bush: "John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state."

The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders.

"Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a close," House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. "Under Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic social-service programs upon which millions depend. Mercifully, we can now say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was Clinton's America."

"For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be stopped," conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said. "And yet, in 1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent warnings, re-electing Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous and at peace under his regime. But now, thank God, that's all done with. Once again, we will enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear paranoia, mass deficit, and a massive military build-up."

An overwhelming 49.9 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically to the Bush speech.

"After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the Democrats, we have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago, President Clinton said that the national debt could be paid off by as early as 2012," Rahway, NJ, machinist and father of three Bud Crandall said. "That's not the kind of world I want my children to grow up in."

"You have no idea what it's like to be black and enfranchised," said Marlon Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents whose votes were not counted in the 2000 presidential election. "George W. Bush understands the pain of enfranchisement, and ever since Election Day, he has fought tirelessly to make sure it never happens to my people again."

Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption.

"We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it."

"The insanity is over," Bush said. "After a long, dark night of peace and stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look forward to a bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad."

Gotta love Sheryl

From Sheryl Crow vs War on American Music Awards

Aside from the nuke nonsense

what ELSE is wrong with this statement? (h/t to tristero)

On the September 12 edition of his CNN Headline News program, Glenn Beck said that "[t]he Middle East is being overrun by 10th-century barbarians" and "[i]f they take over ... we're going to have to nuke the whole place."

Is the United States and the rest of the West so weak that we would have to nuke a bunch of "10th-century barbarians"? Why does Glenn Beck hate America?

Conan meets Heavy Metal

Friend of mine sent this months ago, and I came across it trying to clean out my email.

Korgoth of Barbaria Pt1
Korgoth of Barbaria Pt2
Korgoth of Barbaria Pt3

More from adultswim

Talented bunnies

(movie) in 30 seconds

Cool green stuff

From a dailkos diary:

Powerisers
Ice Energy
Solar powered cell phones

And what the fuck is wrong with this country when we allow China to develop frictionless wind turbines?

More cool stuff at Treehugger

I wonder who will be making an appearance this fall

Considering what President Dumbass has had to say in the past, see if you can guess who from his speech yesterday (9/5):

...We remember the cold brutality of the enemy who inflicted this harm on our country -- an enemy whose leader, Osama bin Laden, declared the massacre of nearly 3,000 people that day -- I quote -- "an unparalleled and magnificent feat of valor, unmatched by any in humankind before them."

...Osama bin Laden has called the 9/11 attacks -- in his words -- "a great step towards the unity of Muslims and establishing the Righteous... [Caliphate]."

...Again, hear the words of Osama bin Laden earlier this year: "Death is better than living on this Earth with the unbelievers among us."

Bin Laden calls this his "bleed-until-bankruptcy plan."...With the 9/11 attacks, Osama bin Laden says, "al Qaeda spent $500,000 on the event, while America... lost -- according to the lowest estimate -- $500 billion... Meaning that every dollar of al Qaeda defeated a million dollars" of America. Bin Laden concludes from this experience that "America is definitely a great power, with... unbelievable military strength and a vibrant economy, but all of these have been built on a very weak and hollow foundation."...

...Osama bin Laden laid out this strategy in a letter to the Taliban leader, Mullah Omar, that coalition forces uncovered in Afghanistan in 2002. In it, bin Laden says that al Qaeda intends to "[launch]," in his words, "a media campaign... to create a wedge between the American people and their government." This media campaign, bin Laden says, will send the American people a number of messages, including "that their government [will] bring them more losses, in finances and casualties."...Bin Laden says that by delivering these messages, al Qaeda "aims at creating pressure from the American people on the American government to stop their campaign against Afghanistan."

Bin Laden and his allies are absolutely convinced they can succeed in forcing America to retreat and causing our economic collapse...Osama bin Laden has written that the "defeat of... American forces in Beirut" in 1983 is proof America does not have the stomach to stay in the fight. He's declared that "in Somalia... the United States [pulled] out, trailing disappointment, defeat, and failure behind it."...

...But they've made clear that the most important front in their struggle against America is Iraq -- the nation bin Laden has declared the "capital of the Caliphate." Hear the words of bin Laden: "I now address... the whole... Islamic nation: Listen and understand... The most... serious issue today for the whole world is this Third World War... [that] is raging in [Iraq]."...

...Again, hear the words of bin Laden, in a message to the American people earlier this year...

Bin Laden and his terrorist allies have made their intentions as clear as Lenin and Hitler before them...

...Bin Laden and Zawahiri remain in hiding in remote regions of this world...

Hmmmm. Two interesting points. First, the "bleed-until-bankruptcy" plan is working, because the moron leading this country is doing his work for him. And second, at the same time dumbass was saying this, those "remote regions of this world" just got less remote:

Pakistan Gives Bin Laden Free Pass

September 06, 2006 6:10 AM

Brian Ross Reports:

Osama bin Laden, America's most wanted man, will not face capture in Pakistan if he agrees to lead a "peaceful life," Pakistani officials tell ABC News.
The surprising announcement comes as Pakistani army officials announced they were pulling their troops out of the North Waziristan region as part of a "peace deal" with the Taliban.
If he is in Pakistan, bin Laden "would not be taken into custody," Major General Shaukat Sultan Khan told ABC News in a telephone interview, "as long as one is being like a peaceful citizen."

...

Oops. Of course today they're saying something a little different:

Pakistan Denies Bin Laden Gets a Pass

September 06, 2006 6:20 AM

Brian Ross Reports:

The government of Pakistan today denied it would allow Osama bin Laden to avoid capture under terms of a peace agreement it signed with Taliban leaders in the country's North Waziristan area.

"If he is in Pakistan, today or any time later, he will be taken into custody and brought to justice," the Pakistani ambassador to the United States, Mahmud Ali Durrani, said in a statement.

...

Whatever in the world could have caused them to say that?

Threatdown!

Simple advice for the chimperor in chief

The Rapture is not an exit strategy.

And it fits on a bumpersticker...

In anticipation

Battlestar Galactica webisodes

This is the life

except for the cage of course...

Lie by lie

Mother Jones has put together a chronology of the lies that led to the Iraq Qwagmire. Cool.

Lie by Lie: Chronicle of a War Foretold: August 1990 to March 2003

The first drafts of history are fragmentary. Important revelations arrive late, and out of order. In this timeline, we’ve assembled the history of the Iraq War to create a resource we hope will help resolve open questions of the Bush era. What did our leaders know and when did they know it? And, perhaps just as important, what red flags did we miss, and how could we have missed them? This is the first installment in our Iraq War timeline project.

On right wing authoritarianism

A comment (#55) from a discussion yesterday at firedoglake about John Dean's book, Conservatives Without Conscience:

Bob Altemeyer says:
September 3rd, 2006 at 2:41 pm *

Following up on Mr. Dean’s suggestion that I pitch my 2 cents into the discussion started by Victoria on No. 4, why do authoritarians need to create/adhere to gross falsehoods?

My research shows how well the question was posed, because there are the people who create the falsehoods and then the people who believe them and cling to them.

Authoritarian leaders will say, when answering a survey anonymously, that they are essentially amoral. They say for example that lying is justified if it gets you what you want, and one of the best skills a person should develop is the ability to look someone straight in the eye and lie convincingly. So I don’t know if the people who perpetrated the falsehoods you mentioned really believed them or not. But I have it from the horse’s mouth that authoritarian leaders will not hesitate to lie if it advances their cause. (We should realize, as Mr. Rosenberg points out, that they are hardly alone in this. But they may still be in first place in the Liar’s League.)

Authoritarian followers are quite a different story. First, they do pretty poorly on various “Can You Think Straight?” tests, compared to most people. They have trouble drawing logical conclusions from premises and from evidence. They are particularly given to wanting simple answers. They are not inclined to critical thinking unless their leaders have told them ahead of time whom to be critical of. And they trust their leaders so much (it comes with the territory when you’re an authoritarian follower) that they will believe the quite unbelievable when one of their authorities says it. They don’t check things that come down from on high, they just believe them. And studies show they are incredibly capable of holding all sorts of conflicting and contradictory ideas and explanations in their heads at the same time. Another thing that helps one understand the followers is that they are more afraid than most people, and disturbing events really disturb them. So they go to their authorities for reassurance, not facts or true explanations. I think this explains something about the current administration, namely how crummy its explanations have become. (”Islamofascism”?) I suspect that the “response teams” in the administration have learned that they don’t have to give sensible explanations of what went wrong, because they know their followers will believe virtually anything. And when people come along and point out the mistakes and misrepresentations and miserable untruths in the latest speech or press release, the last people on this planet who are going to read those criticisms or hear about them on the news they watch will the the high RWAs.

Profs give long answers, don’t they.

By the way, nobody who knows me calls me “Professor Altemeyer.” I’d be glad to be addressed here as “Dr. Bob,” which is my nickname on campus. It makes me feel much younger. I know, that makes me the 137th “Dr. Bob” you know.

Dr. Bob's research was a major component of the book.